Raw confession time. I'm fed up with something and I figure that it might be worth sharing cause I'm certain I'm not the only one.
Ranty ranty ranty...
Since the days when I was eating nothing but rice beans and veggies and training for the half marathon, things in my body have shifted. I put on a couple pounds as I should have cause that was whacky.
Here's the lame part. I've started to go to the no man's land of my soul that eagerly desires to be told once again by my family and friends that Ive lost weight and blah blah blah.
Growing up I was sort of, different. I grew up in suburbia and all my friends were skinny white girls who I just.. I wanted to look like. I have a latina ass and I'll never ever be one of those people who are naturally thin. Its not in my genes ANYWHERE. I'm ok with this on 9 days out of ten but for some reason, the teasing I got when I was little ( it happened) sticks with me now.
Its amazing how we let things that happened when we weren't even a formed person carry into who we are today.
So anyway, here's what the crap cycle tends to look like in my life: I am so busy that I can't work out and I instantly become so frustrated with myself that I let my attitude bleed into the areas of REAL LIFE I'm spending my time on and then I just... am wretched. I'm not as easy to get along with, I don't enjoy people as much, I get jealous of everyone else, I feel unproductive, incapable and I get frustrated with myself for being so frustrated with myself. Holy whoa.
The strangest part is... its not even real. What I mean by that is... This strange desire to look a certain way is completely deceiving. Here's what I mean...
A week or so ago I was talking to a good friend of mine. She is amazing and a super atheletic girl. She just completed a tri-athalon and is a buff ass chick. Her body is such a powerful instrument and it just got her through a damn TRI-ATHALON I mean, whoa. But, she still wishes she looked different. She's perfectly healthy, strong, desired by her loving husband and she's at peak training condition. We were talking about how no matter what, we never feel quite right with our bodies. How we often look back to a time in our lives at the high point of our athletic conditioning and wish we could go back there but... Sister, when we were back there we still weren't content with ourselves.
When I was in high school I became obsessed with my body image. I was working out like, 3 times a day and I felt guilty with everything I ate and really... I didn't know how bad it was until all my friends stopped calling. My best friend had to sit me down and tell me that... nobody wanted to hang out with me cause all I could talk about was how " Fat" I was. This is me in high school at that time( In the red):
Sure, I'm not a rail but I was a super strong soccer playing badass summabitch at the time and like I said, impossible genetically unless I was killing myself. Which, praise God I wasn't. Anyhow...
I'm speaking to the ladies right now- there's no more time for this. I am so, SO over it. I've tried to get over it a million times in my life and dammit I'm gonna fight for it again and again.
Cause here's the truth... Skinny isn't all that its cracked up to be. Your body is a temple yes, but if the temple just looks pretty but is void of real full joy because of how hard its working at being beautiful... well its no temple at all.. Its just a building. An empty building.
I don't want to overlook the blessing and fullness of life because I feel like I don't look good anymore. What a waste of the richness that surrounds me it is when I'm face to face with opportunity and all I can think about is how guilty I feel that I haven't run in a couple weeks or how I ate that pizza last night?
My boyfriend Jon is amazing at reminding me that no matter what I probably won't be where I'd ideally want to be physically so instead of working to look a certain way, I should work hard to become content in any circumstance.
When I look back at the most blissful times in my life they weren't when I was looking fabulous... they were when I didn't care. I was convinced that being adored by God was more than enough and that nothing else really mattered. Life is much more than the bodies that carry it.
I pray over all the beautiful women in my life and for myself that we become completely FREE if any burden of looking any particular way. That we find beauty within ourselves and celebrate the BLESSING of capable bodies no matter what they look like.
Sorry, I had to get that out. I hereby vow to do everything in my power to focus on what's REAL... On real life, not on the falsity of some body image we desire.
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